When Receiving Feedback Be Curious, Not Judgmental

Using your emotional reaction to feedback to learn more about your story

Receiving feedback is often just as hard as a rejection.

We send off our work to a friend, critique partner, beta reader, editor, and while we do these things for the constructive feedback these readers can impart, there is a large part of ourselves hoping for a gold star.

"I found nothing wrong, it's perfect! A best seller in waiting! Send it out now!"

But that won't happen. Sorry.

When you send your work to someone for feedback, that's what they are going to give you. It's part of the deal. They want to help or you have paid them to help. They are going to read with a critical eye for improvement.

Now, sure, some may read with a critical eye just to criticize (we’ve all been in those critique groups) and those readers aren't necessarily helpful. But those who read in good faith, who offer feedback to challenge your skills, or point out places that would benefit from a second/third/whatever look, they want to help you. They want to see your story succeed.

How you respond to that feedback is up to you.

As someone who has received feedback and someone who gives feedback as a coach, I have some advice.

Be curious. Not judgmental.

Ted Lasso provides a lovely reminder:

My experience with feedback (both when I give it as a coach and receive it as a writer) is that the first 24-48 hours are rough.

Feedback can feel soul crushing. Or rage inducing. Or simply overwhelming.

Writers can cycle through a variety of reactions like defensiveness, what-do-they-know-ess, to full on doubt that they can even do this writing thing at all.

(You can. I’m just saying, that’s what the evil doubt monster likes to whisper in your ear during those initial hours).

This is why I typically recommend you read your feedback and then step away.

Do not respond. Do no edit. Do nothing but process whatever emotion that feedback brought up in you.

After a few days, and when the emotions have settled, read through the feedback again.

I bet it feels different. Mine always does.

Now…Get curious.

Think about your initial response and see which comments elicited strong reactions from you.

• Is there a pattern?

• Was it about something you thought you did well?

• Was it something you had hoped the reader wouldn’t notice but you knew wasn’t “right” yet?

• Was it in relation to a craft issue you don’t understand well?

Sometimes, the feedback that bothers us the most is the feedback that scares us. Whether it's because you aren't sure how to fix the problem, you’re insecure about your abilities in general, you were overtired and hangry when you initially read the feedback, or it triggered something else entirely.

Understanding why you reacted to feedback the way you did can help you uncover the parts of your story that need deeper work.

Early in my writing journey, I received feedback that the stakes weren't clear. I was so irritated. I'd worked on my stakes. I thought I'd included all the necessary components for the story.

At first, this feedback about stakes seemed wrong. After all, I'd spent so much time on it.

But after taking some time away and returning to the manuscript with this feedback in mind, I was able to admit that stakes were a weak point for me as a writer at that point. And once I analyzed the feedback with a clear head, I could see that the problem wasn’t that the character’s stakes weren't present in the story, it was more that the ultimate story problem was vague making the stakes less resonant. I would need to do some deeper work to fix that. Not just add in a ticking clock or the threat of losing a job.

It was uncomfortable for me to realize I needed to study this aspect of craft more. And so my reaction was strong. Luckily, I was able to learn from that feedback experience and now, whenever I start a new story, this is the area I spend the most time on because I know it can be a blindspot for me. What I think is clear in my head isn't always clear on the page.

After you process your feedback and understand why you are reacting to certain parts of the feedback more strongly than others, you can look at this feedback with a more curious gaze:

• Is this feedback given with good intent?

• What can I learn from this feedback?

• Is there something that isn't on the page? (So often, we know our stories too well and what we think is clear might not be clear to the reader at all)

• Are there areas of craft I need to study?

• Do I need to ask clarifying questions? It's always okay to ask questions of your feedback giver to be sure you understand. Miscommunications happen, which can also lead to strong emotions.

• Is there something I was afraid wasn't right that they are pointing out as a weakness?

• Is this about the work or about me? (NOTE: Feedback should always be about the work. It's hard to separate the writing from the writer, but feedback is most definitely not meant (when given properly) as an affront to the writer).

• What feedback do I strongly disagree with? Can I justify my choices? Not all feedback needs to be taken. You are the creator of your stories. You get the final word.

Use a growth mindset when approaching your feedback to see where you can grow. And remember: sometimes growth is knowing which feedback to accept and apply and what to simply ignore.

This isn't easy. Feedback feels personal and criticism can be hard to ingest. But if you’re seeking feedback, you’re seeking to better your story. Trust the process.

Remember to give your feedback time to settle. Be curious. Then get back to revising!

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Want kind, compassionate, honest feedback on your writing? I have Manuscript Evaluation spots and a limited number of Revision Coaching 1:1 openings this fall. Start Revision Coaching before the end of September and you will have a completed revision plan before Thanksgiving!